Desperation

I literally gasped for breath as if my body were demonstrating the state of of my spirit. I need Him and I can't seem to lay hold of enough. I could no longer breathe through my nostrils. I had to open my mouth and gasp for air. My heart wanted to jump out of my throat. I took quick heavy breaths as if my lungs were competing for air. As if air would run out. As if my heart would faint from suffocation. I feel an impending headache. My forehead is all wrinkled. My face is like that of a mother's, wailing after losing her child.


I have to need Him. I need you to need Him. To want Him for myself is one thing. But my spirit is not separate from the others.' I will never be satisfied until I find myself in the midst of a Body that groans for His presence and His return. My insides are wired to theirs, to yours. I am weeping for hunger, for food, for communion, for connection. I am weeping with a heart that longs for a generation that would gasp for His presence as if it were the only thing that would keep them alive.

Castles and Crumbs

7-February
 
I guess I didn’t expect myself to feel better after my long nap. And so I’m breaking my promise that my earlier entry is about the last one until who knows when.

I feel better both physically and emotionally. I hope and truly hope this won’t last for just a moment. I hope the peeking hope does not fade.

I’m playing the song “Only Exception” by Paramore via Grooveshark over and over. The melody is comforting. I don’t know why. I honestly cannot relate to the lyrics.

I just watched (via DVD) the movie “Up In The Air.” It’s one of those that makes you really really think how fragile life is. The young person would invest his years building a stable sand castle. The older ones, when youthful glory starts to fade, realize that family is the only thing that stays with you after life shakes the ground beneath you. As the Little Prince puts it, “What is essential is invisible to the eye.”

I am going through a major season where my investments are being sized up, my values being appraised.  Shaky foundations are crumbling into pieces and it’s like watching a tower one built for 30 years fall apart in a quake that lasted 3 seconds. It brings a certain death that leaves you paralyzed, staring at the rubble and the dust fog. It makes you question your present integrity and youth’s discretion. It leads you face to face with the hard facts. How long must a person waste life before he comes to terms with what is really essential? Was I kept deceived for so long?

It makes you sick to the core. Even further than your bones, or heart. I’m as fleeting as a bubble, as dispensable as plastic cups. Or so I think, sometimes, because I have not yet learned from the Little Prince.

When sadness overtakes you not because something disappointing happened but because you realized that MAYBE you’ve been wrong all those years, you’re forced to reach out for anything that will keep you from sinking to oblivion. Or maybe I’m just exaggerating.

I reached out to God and I’m beginning to realize something I possibly could not have realized if my tower had not fallen apart.

GOD IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.

I am finding it excruciatingly difficult to put it into words. But this morning, as I sang Him a new song, I felt like I was going back to the day when I was just starting to build my life. And I felt like it didn’t really matter what took place in between as long as I knew that I will always be worth to Him, more than any precious stone or jewel.

8-February

This morning, I came across this quote and it perfectly describes how I am feeling. It’s a surprise that it also came from the author of The Little Prince:

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. –  Antoine de Saint-Exupery (Wind, Sand and Stars)

I feel like so much was taken away that all of sudden I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t even know where to go because even my previous direction is suddenly in shambles. But I found myself in God’s arms, where my nothingness became most beautiful. Besides, that’s what I really am compared to God. In losing, I feel like I’ve come a huge step closer to a realization of who I really am. Someone with practically nothing without God but someone who has everything in Him. I am learning to love Him again.

Randall Wallace's Speech - National Prayer Breakfast

Guys you have to watch this. It's so worth the minutes. Trust me. Profound, anointed, moving and inspiring.