Castles and Crumbs

7-February
 
I guess I didn’t expect myself to feel better after my long nap. And so I’m breaking my promise that my earlier entry is about the last one until who knows when.

I feel better both physically and emotionally. I hope and truly hope this won’t last for just a moment. I hope the peeking hope does not fade.

I’m playing the song “Only Exception” by Paramore via Grooveshark over and over. The melody is comforting. I don’t know why. I honestly cannot relate to the lyrics.

I just watched (via DVD) the movie “Up In The Air.” It’s one of those that makes you really really think how fragile life is. The young person would invest his years building a stable sand castle. The older ones, when youthful glory starts to fade, realize that family is the only thing that stays with you after life shakes the ground beneath you. As the Little Prince puts it, “What is essential is invisible to the eye.”

I am going through a major season where my investments are being sized up, my values being appraised.  Shaky foundations are crumbling into pieces and it’s like watching a tower one built for 30 years fall apart in a quake that lasted 3 seconds. It brings a certain death that leaves you paralyzed, staring at the rubble and the dust fog. It makes you question your present integrity and youth’s discretion. It leads you face to face with the hard facts. How long must a person waste life before he comes to terms with what is really essential? Was I kept deceived for so long?

It makes you sick to the core. Even further than your bones, or heart. I’m as fleeting as a bubble, as dispensable as plastic cups. Or so I think, sometimes, because I have not yet learned from the Little Prince.

When sadness overtakes you not because something disappointing happened but because you realized that MAYBE you’ve been wrong all those years, you’re forced to reach out for anything that will keep you from sinking to oblivion. Or maybe I’m just exaggerating.

I reached out to God and I’m beginning to realize something I possibly could not have realized if my tower had not fallen apart.

GOD IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.

I am finding it excruciatingly difficult to put it into words. But this morning, as I sang Him a new song, I felt like I was going back to the day when I was just starting to build my life. And I felt like it didn’t really matter what took place in between as long as I knew that I will always be worth to Him, more than any precious stone or jewel.

8-February

This morning, I came across this quote and it perfectly describes how I am feeling. It’s a surprise that it also came from the author of The Little Prince:

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. –  Antoine de Saint-Exupery (Wind, Sand and Stars)

I feel like so much was taken away that all of sudden I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t even know where to go because even my previous direction is suddenly in shambles. But I found myself in God’s arms, where my nothingness became most beautiful. Besides, that’s what I really am compared to God. In losing, I feel like I’ve come a huge step closer to a realization of who I really am. Someone with practically nothing without God but someone who has everything in Him. I am learning to love Him again.

one hundred per cent

one time i posted this as my facebook status: 100% yours. "yours" meaning God's. minutes after my status post, another friend of mine posted a similar status: 100% Yours too. yes, he opted to capitalize the first letter of the word "yours" to remove any obscurity. I have to admit, it made me laugh. I think that statement had some pretty cool impact because another friend of mine wanted to design a shirt using those words. everybody wants to be 100% huh?

i remember the first time i used that phrase. it was while praying on the stage during a JREV night. i was on my knees and i shouted those words on the microphone. "100% Yours God! we are 100% yours." and just like any prayer or statement we make (especially the ones we utter on the microphone, or before a great public for that matter), it is bound to be tested. for months now, God has been testing that profession of love. and just when i thought i was passing the test and the intensity of the fire is already about to cool down, i found myself mistaken. just yesterday, i realized that at the root of a stubble i've been going through is an un-surrendered right.

oh yes, i am not the kind of gal who will hold back anything from my Jesus. but just when i thought that i was running with 100%, my God exposes me, and shows me that there is something that has been gripping my heart with self-centeredness.

every time i am brought to a place like this one, a place of realization and wooing (being wooed by God), i remember God's words to his beloved people Israel, "your love is like the morning dew, it quickly disappears." how my 100 per cent has leaked out so rapidly is a mystery to me. i have guarded my heart, i have been careful, i have loved crazy. but my heart is ever unequipped to match the rigorous and radical love of a Savior who does not squint even in front of death. and yes, i am satisfied to admit that my heart, every now and then, needs re-calibration and refocusing. daily it needs to offer a sacrifice to keep that fire burning. daily it has to die.

so this is my 100%. a life embracing that my weakness proves his strength. a humbled heart accepting that my unfaithfulness ever proves his. and will that is broken for the sake of surrendering every part until i am truly 100% my Jesus'.

One Great Love

(note: it's an ultra long blog i know. but to those who will dare read it, please do not be misled by the cheesy intro. do finish this entry before dismissing or judging it. and please do not quote me out of context. thank you very much and happy blessed 2010!)

One Great Love

Is there such a thing? For as long as I can remember, I have dreamt of finding mine. Someone whose eyes I can look into without saying a thing and yet find myself fully known. Fully understood. Wholly accepted. Made whole.

(I now find myself smiling as I write these words.)

Is there such a "one" for me that was made in heaven, crafted by the hands of the Divine, and soon to be carried to my doorstep by angels blushing in excitement? Alright alright… maybe that sounds like a bit too fantastic. But for 'hopeful romantics' like some of us, we do perceive that our love-story-to-be will be nothing less than serendipitous and heaven-crafted. God sent.

dear God,

once again it's 11:52 pm and i simply have to tell you something. something i do not exactly know. i just know there is something. oh, i have asked you my questions... some of them are questions whether to ask you the question, and questions on what to ask you. it is cowardice to keep on asking you for such things?

i miss the newness of hearing things i've never heard. i miss the sweetness of amazement of discovering my capacity to believe. there is room for more. but how far am i willing to make room? there is much to fill before we finally reach the brim. emptiness is a daily undertaking i am committed to. i have had my yesterday's fill. where is my fresh cup of today's rain and sunshine?

what am i missing?

the eyes must blink, once, twice, thrice... and wonder if things in front of them will change. eyes must close for 3 long seconds before it opens again, hoping for a rainbow or some pillar of cloud to appear. the heart must yearn for things un-earthly. it must look for such things, lest if gets buried in boredom. i am waiting for something. say it will come. one, two, three...

i miss the freshness of newly broken walls of limitation and possibilities. i don't want boundaries around me. let me be totally free. even the country beyond that red line, i can make my own.

i want you fully. i want this completely. i want to have my share of mystery and thunderbolts and heaven's rumble. i don't want to stare right here. stare at this. or stare upward at nothing. i was not born to stare but to marvel.

i must see someone i have never seen. today is a new day. (it's 12:05 am.)

like bubbles

then it happened. the song no longer smell of or breathe the same sentiments. favorite scents were nostalgia and desire. and yeah, nothing wrong with longing and hope. but this is better than the sweetness of expectancy. this is careless joy. unripe but ready for the picking. it will ripen in your hands. as you smile at yourself.

this is the same song. yet it has a different air.

the deep sigh has been turned into sudden smiles. like bubbles are floating over your head. like when smoke's been blown far far away by a minty breeze. inhale-exhale. the song is light and at ease. in fact, all songs are like this, right now. even emo ones, they seem to giggle with a carefree spirit. unashamed. unconcerned. un-anything. just happy.

it should make me cry, but now it makes me beam. i... can't explain why just so suddenly all melodies are the same. they are all smiling, despite sorrow, they smile. another world has given me colored lenses. yes. and it is one where music is changed by the hearer's heart.

Jabi

some 20+ years ago, while i was still a toddler, i attended a birthday party where Jollibee was a special guest. i didn't know yet then that he was famous so my parents and sister had to force me to have my picture taken with the huge orange bee carrying me.

no way. who is that chubby bee anyway? stranger...

the memory is still quite crisp and clear. my sister (who was 2 years older than i) just had to find a way to convince me. "Jollibee can fly sister... He'll take you high up in the sky...Don't you want that? High high up!" These words freaked me out. Is that safe? I'm not sure about flying... and falling? Errr, how can we make sure my lungs and little frame are equipped for the stratosphere? No no no.

Thinking that they've convinced me, they handed me over to Jollibee. I burst into tears.

Traumatic eh? Precisely why I could still remember it till now. I was around 3 years old then.

But yesterday I saw HIM again! Mr. Jabi! Boy I was no longer scared. And just to prove that I've grown already into a young lady who recognizes that Jabi can't carry her into the stratosphere, I had this photo taken. Evidence that the old is gone and the new has come. ;)

roller coaster day

i accidentally "advance-purchased" the wrong tickets - 8 of them - to a UAAP basketball game. i had to pay for them even though i couldn't use them... i've texted all the friends i could think of but... well... they don't want to buy the tickets. i've asked God to help out. but have not really listened well to what his suggestion is... so i did. haha. why didn't i think of that God?! so i posted an ad on our ateneo email group. hours later, people started to reply. weee!

well, let's just say i got a bit confused as to who to prioritize, the one who's buying more tickets or the one who first emailed. asking for God's wisdom and guidaaaance, yebah.. i finally ended up selling it to the most gracious bidder - the one who was quick to reply to my messages and at the same time was willing to get all the remaining tickets. she's heaven-sent.

so there i was grateful and so happy 'cause God made "pakitang gilas" to me again. how well he accomplishes our requests... when suddenly i end up stuck in marikina waiting for my parents to finish their errand. sigh.

see, i chose not to watch the game in araneta for 2 reasons: 1) financial - wanted to avoid expenses and since i intend to watch the cheering competition, i opted not to watch the game... 2) pressure from work - i have lots of deliverables pending and i'm so pressured to get them done so i'd rather work than watch basketball.

but there i was, waiting on the wind... sigh... yes God, i'm pissed, hurt, and irritated. what do i do?

see, God allowed it. he allowed me to get stuck there to ruin my plans and learn to do things his way. "Riza, what do you do if things don't turn out the way you want them to? Do you rebel or do you look for the silver lining on the otherwise gloomy dark clouds? Who will you choose to listen to, the voice of disappointment or the voice of wisdom?"

you see i was so pissed to the point that i didn't want to read my bible while waiting. but i didn't want to waste my time either, so i asked for the grace to do what's right. soon i was reading the bible, then praying.

and of course there were more delays because we had to pass by the grocery. when i got back home, i went back to my research thingie. i still could not finish it. somehow, i couldn't find the missing piece.

perhaps additional 3 or 4 hrs would have helped. but perhaps it wouldn't make any difference. but asking God does. so that's what i'm doing now. asking God how to finish this task.

i still don't know the answer.

and, i think, before it gets crazier, i'd rather sleep.

LOVE = DISCIPLINE

i realize more each day how much of a brat i am. (nobody react please. i know my family has been praying for me to come to this realization for a long time now.) my morning conversation with God was just, uhm, i don't know how to call it... if you were watching a movie, and my thoughts were being played using a voice over, you'd probably react this way: BRAAAAT!

well, what can i say? God, in his immenseness and immensity and immense capacity to love, does love a brat like me. but not without a patient and tough heart that is ready to raise the rod of disciple whenever the 'circumstance' calls him to do so.

so there i was about to be frantically disappointed again at the thought of having another one of my requests denied. but God, in his grandness and lovable-Daddyness gently but firmly rebuked me saying, "No, you cannot have what you want. Not now, not the way you want it! And not because I don't love you. In fact, the reason is because I LOVE you. And this IS love Riza. My love for you right now means discipline. I see character coming out. I am bringing it out. Now learn. Be strong and learn that this is me loving you. I am not far."

I have strayed quite nonchalantly. And yes i tried denying my part in getting myself into a mess that could have been avoided had i clung to God, remained in him. And funny how i accuse him of leaving me when it was i who left him. Funny how i resist his embrace when it was i who wronged him in the first place.

But what can i say? here i am, not getting what i deserve. as always...

where can i run from your love?

retardation

Holy Spirit, thank you for my computer chair. It feels good against my back.
Delayed thanks for the table and printer... this instant work corner i now have here at home.
Had it not been for the Holy Spirit's patience with me, these blinders would have not fallen off my eyes.
I know, i know, what does a computer chair have to do with blinders...

Well, weeks ago, i requested that our printer be transferred from my sister's house to my house. She does not really need it much because she already has a printer in her office. When the printer got here, my dad instantly fixed a corner in our house for me (without me asking), putting a computer table, setting up the printer, and at my request, my mom added a computer chair, something that we have lots of here at home. (They came from the office that we closed years back.)

Then tell you what... I realized how retarded i was. i have been complaining about backaches due to the absence of a desk and a chair. And my friend shina has been repeatedly telling me to get a chair. (Yup, i work either on the floor or on the sofa.) But i never really did something about it. i just assumed that there's not enough space in our small home. i used to look around and give up right after seeing that there's no available table and chair. apparently, there were, i just didn't notice or just did not look hard enough. and i realized that we could push for some space if we just chose to be intentional.

Then see the Holy Spirit made me realize how retarded i was. Something as simple as this, i could not do for myself. i had been asking God to help me but i never tried beyond just "looking around."

But yes yes, God should have spanked me but instead He made a way for me. I'm sorry God for being too slow and acting helpless when i should be exercising my faculties. a bit more patience... gentle rebukes... pls don't judge me guys for this. let's just learn. promise i'm trying to change.

thank and you will receive

My instinct has always been to pray. I badly wanted our team (Ateneo Blue Eagles) to win. Watching the game from upper box seats in Araneta Coliseum made the desire even more intense. But what are the chances that God would grant me my request? Certainly, there are also La Sallians praying for the Green Archers to win. What makes my request more weighty than theirs? So I found myself asking God what it would take to get his favor just for today.

First quarter of the game, I was nervous. There certainly is no guarantee that God is on our side. The heck, it's a basketball game! Why would God take sides right? But I was praying for our players that they would find the grace and strength and perseverance to go all out - to give their best. I just prayed for the best. I couldn't pray for us to win. At most I can pray for a winning performance. But in my heart I kept on telling God, "if there's anything I can do, just let me know!"

But when we reached the second half, God started speaking. He said, "Thank me. Why are you so nervous and doubtful? If you have faith, you will start thanking me." Then came a surge of faith. I realized that my fear is doing me no good! I have to start thanking God for the best that is to come. From pleading with God I started thanking and my it feels right! Thank you God for the victory... It was then that I realized that God was teaching me how to war again. In the face of intimidation, it is not helpful to beg! Begging puts you in a position of defeat!! If you are to win, you have to see yourself winning and when you do, the only response will be to start thanking God. I began to thank God. The more I did, the more I my mind found the grace to see victory and vise versa.

By the end of the 4th quarter, I already feel God's joy - kahit na nagtie!!!

For those of you who watched the game tonight, you know that Ateneo Blue Eagles won. (ONE BIG FIGHT!!!) But it was not our team's "victory" that convinces me that my prayers worked. I mean, whether my thanksgiving brought the team to win today's match or not, I believe they were nonetheless, the right prayers - prayers that see God as worthy of thanksgiving and prayers that somehow ministered blessing.

About an hour after the game has ended, I found myself thinking (and thinking...) of the game and how Blue Eagle team player Eric Salamat played a big role in the team's victory. "Go Salamat!" I thought... "What a name," I said to myself. Then right after that thought I suddenly realized, "Hey! Salamat means Thanks!" Right then and there I knew God was sealing in his message for me for the day: Give thanks. It's your weapon for war. Thanksgiving will bring you into victory. =)

Thanks tita tes for the early tickets... Til championships!

ONE BIG FIGHT!

lost on a saturday

the caffeine has subsided... at least 90% of its effect has... i'm still feelin' a bit off. was not able to spend some time in quiet today. same old problem. "where do i do it" well, i could just throw my face into the pillow and plug in my earplugs. why i did not do that, i don't know.

my greatest accomplishment for the day so far is eating breakfast. because of this, i'm not having a headache right now. i'm still a bit sluggish though. has to be the late nights (or 'til mornings) i've been spending awake. but i've stopped doing that intentionally since last night. if not for the caffeine, i would have been gone by 11pm.

i'm working on a saturday. scurrying off to the rink. haven't had lunch and it's almost 2pm. i think i should marry a chef. but before that i have to fix my life and vow to never miss my quiet time despite the noise --- EVERYWHERE.

a thought about Daddy God

Jon Schmidt during an interview about his musical arrangement, "Love story meets viva la vida" said: That's Sarah's favorite part... when i got to that part when I was arranging, I tried to extend that moment a little bit...

I could just imagine God saying, well i know that that will be riza's favorite part so i'm gonna extending it a bit so i can watch that smile get stuck on her face. *hearty DADDY GOD laughter*

yey! thanks DADDY!

God will save the day: reflections from under the broom tree

i remember Elijah sleeping under the broom tree, waking up to see beside him some bread baked from hot stones, beside it a jar of water. i imagined he was so weak and helpless that God had to send an angel to wake him up. i imagined God's concern over Elijah as he sent that angel - someone to tap him and bake some bread for him. i see the hot stones lying there like some miraculous oven of serendipity. (even ovens are not impossible to find in the wilderness God's eyes are on you. and they are!) i imagine God's eyes on Elijah. i see the angel as God's special "alalay" to take care of this exhausted son.

i know that God understands it when all my strength has run out, when all i can do is faint under a broom tree. that was what happened to Elijah right? he must not have looked at his watch before sleeping saying, "oh it's 10pm. it's past my bed time. i'm off to dreamland now..." he probably didn't even know what time it was. he just fell there all strength gone.

i know that God stoops over when our tiredness keeps us stuck in bed. he understands us when the alarm clock could not do a better job at waking us up. and so he sends us an angel.

i know that God has foreseen the journey he has ordained for us to take. he sees the futrue. he also knows it when there is nothing left in our pockets. he knows it when the nearest convenience store is too far for convenience especially for a body sapped out of energy. he has foreseen the moment when lifting a finger would become too tedious for a soul almost crushed by failure or disillusion.

and he has prepared a journey into the cave of intimacy. yes he has calculated the steps we need to take and the amount of food we need to get there. he has gathered up the provision to take us there: some hot stones, an angel, baked bread and a jar of water. and he stoops down to provide all these. provisions that are a little less than ordinary.

he knows it when we have nothing left. when we have given everything we've got and when our falling into sleep is not an act of disobedience but a cry to be rescued.

he will strengthen us with just enough for another journey that will take us into the cave of intimacy. where we can wait for our strength to be renewed for he is about to reveal that he has preserved 7,000 who are actually on our side of the battle. that warrior sons shall be anointed and they shall crush jezebel. victory is at hand. from the cave of intimacy, we will renew our sonship by anointing our sons. and we will realize that everything has been provided for all along. even if it takes miracles to get them. like the angel, the baked bread and jar of water under the broom tree, we cannot really finish the journey without miracles. and miracles do not really happen without a need for them.

from under the broom tree, i am learning to depend completely. and i am learning to admit that even intimacy is completely an act of God. i am wooed into it with a strength not mine. i am taken into it with a love that is not mine. i am Elijah under the broom tree. i am a bruised reed that he does not break. but i am rescued in his grace and mercy. between doubts and tears. between silence and songs. between clear words and confusion. between anger and forgiveness, humility and sin, obedience and hesitation, and all that remains to be cleansed...

amidst all... God steps in and pours out all it takes. even ovens made of hot stones.

(2 Kings 19:5)

mundane?

i've been busy with a lot of things lately and i don't know why is it that just when there's so much to write about, i can't seem to write. thoughts would also come whenever i don't have my laptop or a pen and paper with me. and yes, thoughts disappear the moment i open my notepad or blog.

i am tired but excited. sometimes i feel like my head is going to explode. add commentaries that hardly soothe the tension. please give me some room to breathe...

i've stepped into a raging river and when i thought that i was expected to swim, i realize i am expected to just be swept away. but there are the usual things of day to day. it drives me crazy to think that things could still be so ordinarily demanding even after i've stepped into the extraordinary. i wake up, fix my pillows, see my messy clutter that i've left unkempt the night before. my mind flies to bigger things as i manage to attend to small chores of day to day. day to day... it is a challenge to stay focused until i've washed and hung my last piece of laundry. we cannot shrink back from the bigger things, even if we've got big small things at hand - chores, work, finances, etc. it's the bigger things that make us relevant. it's the small things that make us steadfast.

as i pursue to balance life as God made it. haha. i hope i will not let go of the big thing. life can get smaller everyday if we let it. but today, this year - 2009, it simply is not the year for shrinkers to stay small.

P.S.
after 40 days of being silent in facebook... i finally broke my fast yesterday. and surprise, i lost all the notifications. hahaha! oh well, who cares... hahaha...

dreaming of tom yum, pad thai, kao pad, and nonprasert ;-)

This is a photo of me this morning. Huhuhu. Obviously lost weight. I'm missing the food in Thailand... especially the free invites to lunch and dinner... It rarely happens here... See my eyes are closed. I'm envisioning a huge bowl of tom yummmmm... those lettuce wrapped fish with yummy sauce we had at P. Suay's. what's it called? And oh, the chicken and gelo at adjan tom's, the uber sossy korean bbq that takes forever to cook at adjan jay's (ok i'm just exaggerating to put some humor. ehehehe). and yeah the lumpia and kao phad (spelling check please...) at p.muay's, the drop-dead-HANGHANG-spicy-phett som tum (tam?) when we had for dinner with the teachers. the tom yum and something-with-cashew-nuts at adjan pratuan and adjan don's dinner treat! if i were allowed to stuff a bit of everything in my bag, i would have! but over-baggage na kami!!! had God not performed a miracle, we would have paid for each kilo we have in excess. but the weighing scale was kind enough to sway in favor of God's children. wooohoooo!

missin' all the pastors and their families, the teachers, students, and kids! missing the dust, the wireless-wall-less internet hub, the snakes and scorpion (in our bedroom during camp). missing seeing jemai crash against the cemented floor. bwahahaha! (we still get a good laugh everytime we watch it). yup, the skit's really moving but that part just ahh... lol) missin' the hugs and kisses. the smiles... SIGH... the waterfalls... the long rides. sleeping in the van with my mouth wide open... crazy. this is just crazy.

aytee, i have to send this now before we break into tears. :)

mwahmwah tsup tsup

riza

p.s.
i'm sending winnie the pooh a pair of shorts soon. *winkz*