new song

a song is being sung. but a different song is playing in your heart. it has never been sung before and it sounds too out of this world. it is reckless. it is out of control. it is full of emotions. it bears the risk of displeased scrutiny. but it bears your voice, your heart.

will you stay silent?

or have you come to the point wherein pursuit of Him has become a relentless cause? worth the shame. worth the glares. worth the loss of reputation. worth it all.

"i will be more undignified than this..." - King David

home alone (part two): pursuit of God

am i addicted to silence and privacy? well, living with my parents in an apartment with no 'rooms' (only a loft) and where we can practically hear each other regardless of which corner of the house we're in (except then you're inside the bathroom with door closed - which makes the sound a bit garbled...), such a longing for times of solitude definitely becomes frustrating at times. imagine being heard by everyone inside the house whenever you sniff, or worse yet, whenever you cry.

so how do i worship? well, i do it at the expense of everybody else's peace. (haha) more often than not, my mom's... ('cause by dad's at the office almost 24-7. sigh. talk about dedication to work...!)

my 'time alone' is not exactly 'time alone....' when my mom is having her time with the tube, i plug in ear phones and pop up the ipod volume. when i need to scream, i plunge my face against a pillow and hope nobody hears. when i sing out of tune, i have to trust that no matter what, i am loved for who i am...

i've been asking God to give me my own room but the answer is tarrying quite a bit. but i believe that it's for a good reason.

for like 3 years now, God has been chipping away common misconceptions about pursuing Him. one valuable lesson i've learned: if you really desire God, you will pursue him NO MATTER WHAT. even if it means an extended 'semi-quiet' time because the background sounds just makes it difficult for you to focus on His voice.

Undignified worship takes new meaning. it becomes the ONLY way to worship. losing dignity has become a door that must be entered before meeting the Savior. it has become a daily choice that one has to make. the daily discomforts exposed all kinds of lukewarness and mediocrity in loving God.

i used to think this will be some sort of 'uncomfortable' season that soon will end. but now, reflecting on it, what God seems to be saying is, should your worship to me look different just because the circumstance is different?

behind closed doors is nice. and it's what i'm enjoying now while 'home alone' in my tita's apartment. but the ultimate test or PURSUIT is when daily life makes it simply inconvenient. it tests your promises. and it really brings out in the open - if there's really fire in you.

let's pursue him. no matter what. (not just figuratively, but literally.)

MR. MOTORCYCLE

oasis in the wilderness. that's how i'd describe these events in my life. (only here, i'm only telling about one. the rest will follow soon.) haha. actually they're more like instances. and they've kept my faith alive. they've served as powerful reminders from God, that he hasn't forgotten me --- in this wilderness.

MR. MOTORCYCLE

'Is my hearing fine?' this has been my most "gasgas" question of the season. then one day i was rushing to makati for a job interview. i prayed as i was on commuter FX. i stirred up my faith and spoke to God, telling him that i trust that he'd take me there on time. i knew that he could work miracles and if need be, he would work one for me today. i wondered how it's possible to get there on time given the horrendous traffic i'm stuck in. trying to be creative (like God), i thought maybe, a motorcycle ride would be one possible solution.

i get off the vehicle and start hailing a taxi cab... then out of the corner of my eye, i noticed a motorcycle slow down... it stops right in front of me. 'Miss, where are you headed to?' the driver asks... i can give you a ride. you might get late for your appointment..."

God, you must be crazy.

i gracefully declined. But God, you're just darn too hilarious.

i was laughing out loud in the inside.

by the way, i made it to my job interview on time.

---

more stories to follow...

prostar

downcast look, blank stare, and puffy eyes. emo (tional), deep (in thought), angst-stricken. the look of hope refused by a hardened heart. (for hope is known to those who've heard and she has heard.) she has every right to lose it (or lose herself?). to wallow in darkness until she has groaned in pain. something that still, she could not. or does she?

her soul says freedom of expression. the spirit spells it as hardheartedness.

"arise of sleeper and rise from the dead. and Christ will shine on you."

shine. this darkness is your night sky and God is waiting for His firechild to appear in the night.

so begin, you must. by picking up the pieces. and searching in the darkest corners for the hidden words and light.

faith is beautiful. lift yourself up downcast eyes.