Desperation

I literally gasped for breath as if my body were demonstrating the state of of my spirit. I need Him and I can't seem to lay hold of enough. I could no longer breathe through my nostrils. I had to open my mouth and gasp for air. My heart wanted to jump out of my throat. I took quick heavy breaths as if my lungs were competing for air. As if air would run out. As if my heart would faint from suffocation. I feel an impending headache. My forehead is all wrinkled. My face is like that of a mother's, wailing after losing her child.


I have to need Him. I need you to need Him. To want Him for myself is one thing. But my spirit is not separate from the others.' I will never be satisfied until I find myself in the midst of a Body that groans for His presence and His return. My insides are wired to theirs, to yours. I am weeping for hunger, for food, for communion, for connection. I am weeping with a heart that longs for a generation that would gasp for His presence as if it were the only thing that would keep them alive.

Castles and Crumbs

7-February
 
I guess I didn’t expect myself to feel better after my long nap. And so I’m breaking my promise that my earlier entry is about the last one until who knows when.

I feel better both physically and emotionally. I hope and truly hope this won’t last for just a moment. I hope the peeking hope does not fade.

I’m playing the song “Only Exception” by Paramore via Grooveshark over and over. The melody is comforting. I don’t know why. I honestly cannot relate to the lyrics.

I just watched (via DVD) the movie “Up In The Air.” It’s one of those that makes you really really think how fragile life is. The young person would invest his years building a stable sand castle. The older ones, when youthful glory starts to fade, realize that family is the only thing that stays with you after life shakes the ground beneath you. As the Little Prince puts it, “What is essential is invisible to the eye.”

I am going through a major season where my investments are being sized up, my values being appraised.  Shaky foundations are crumbling into pieces and it’s like watching a tower one built for 30 years fall apart in a quake that lasted 3 seconds. It brings a certain death that leaves you paralyzed, staring at the rubble and the dust fog. It makes you question your present integrity and youth’s discretion. It leads you face to face with the hard facts. How long must a person waste life before he comes to terms with what is really essential? Was I kept deceived for so long?

It makes you sick to the core. Even further than your bones, or heart. I’m as fleeting as a bubble, as dispensable as plastic cups. Or so I think, sometimes, because I have not yet learned from the Little Prince.

When sadness overtakes you not because something disappointing happened but because you realized that MAYBE you’ve been wrong all those years, you’re forced to reach out for anything that will keep you from sinking to oblivion. Or maybe I’m just exaggerating.

I reached out to God and I’m beginning to realize something I possibly could not have realized if my tower had not fallen apart.

GOD IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.

I am finding it excruciatingly difficult to put it into words. But this morning, as I sang Him a new song, I felt like I was going back to the day when I was just starting to build my life. And I felt like it didn’t really matter what took place in between as long as I knew that I will always be worth to Him, more than any precious stone or jewel.

8-February

This morning, I came across this quote and it perfectly describes how I am feeling. It’s a surprise that it also came from the author of The Little Prince:

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. –  Antoine de Saint-Exupery (Wind, Sand and Stars)

I feel like so much was taken away that all of sudden I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t even know where to go because even my previous direction is suddenly in shambles. But I found myself in God’s arms, where my nothingness became most beautiful. Besides, that’s what I really am compared to God. In losing, I feel like I’ve come a huge step closer to a realization of who I really am. Someone with practically nothing without God but someone who has everything in Him. I am learning to love Him again.

Randall Wallace's Speech - National Prayer Breakfast

Guys you have to watch this. It's so worth the minutes. Trust me. Profound, anointed, moving and inspiring.

the prayer room: Why We Don't Stop

the prayer room: Why We Don't Stop: "January 21, 2011 It ALL starts with an encounter. I’m not talking bumping into that hunk who lives across your street or that chick yo..."

New Confessions for 2011

Something I learned in 2011 is that a lot of simple confessions I have in my mind are not in line with God’s word. Even the realistic doubts enter out thoughts, if we’re not careful, can become pervading confessions that hinder God’s power from being released. This is because doubts are the opposite of faith. And faith releases power. One time I caught myself thinking, ‘What if the bible study doesn’t turn out ok?’ or ‘What if I don’t finish studying my masters?’ (Oh yeah I haven’t started yet but I’m already thinking of not finishing?!) There are a lot of others more subtle than these thoughts. Put it this way. Consider every negative expectation you have and ask yourself if it’s in line with God’s word. Oh yes, even the tiniest ones. If God’s will is to give you the fullest life you can have, why would he not BLESS YOU INDEED? Sometimes, we are the ones who limit our success. We think that God has not blessed us “as much.” But it is because we have doubted the blessing even before we had a chance to pray for it! When was the last time you reduced a prayer because you think ‘this one’ is just way too big? Super fail! If we want to see more of God, we have to start changing our confessions. Not because we’re worthy but because it is God’s desire to come in his glory. How he loves us and how he wants to bless us! So stop, just stop doubting his good, great, awesome, mind-blowing intentions for you life. Uh… preaching to me. Amen?