on accountability and transparency

(unedited)

one of my younger sis opened up to me a few days ago. i had been wanting to ask her something related to what she opened up to me. but there doesn't seem to be good enough reason to ask her so i just kept things to myself. but when she shared to me what has been happening, i realized a lot of things. suddenly, light was shed on many matters. what used to be blurry became crystal clear. and it had become easier to make right choices and actions (or inactions) since i already have hard facts to base my decisions on. i also realized how i had gotten carried away by my emotions and false assumptions. with the truth in hand, my perception had become more accurate and my steps stronger in resolve and purpose.

i also realized another thing. this could not have been achieved had my friend not submitted her situation to me in humble honesty. often times we avoid confrontation or confessions because we are afraid of being exposed. we don't want to become vulnerable. and we don't want to be judged. but when we open up to the right person/people in the right atmosphere of humility and uprightness of heart, we are actually strengthened (and not weakened) in the process.

after my friend told me her story, i shared to her a bit of mine. and i believe that had she know what i had also been going through, it would have been easier for her to understand what she was going through. (forgive me for all the vagueness and lack of specific detail... i have to ask for my friend's permission first if i can disclose the details...) it had become a real eye opener!

i think and therefore conclude that this is just one of the benefits of transparency and accountability. it opens our eyes. we are exposed to truths we could not have discovered on our own. we are given the opportunity to see through another person's lenses. and in the process, we are released from unnecessary burdens. because the truth indeed sets free. likewise, confessing the truth gives us freedom.

The Relentless Prince and Despicable Maiden

There was once and until now, a dashing young man, a prince, son of the King, the only King in the only empire, and he fell in love with a young girl. But the girl was not a lady. She was not of noble birth, nor was she of noble character. She was not from a respectable family, nor was she respectable herself.

It grieves me to tell her whole story so I will just say enough to cast a pale depiction of who she is compared to actuality. She ran after men as if they were medals to be won. She flaunted her filthy outfits that make her captivating to lustful eyes.

But the prince was completely her opposite. He desired to love and pursue only one for the rest of his life. They were an ill match, the whole Kingdom thought. But the prince saw something no one else saw! What was it?! Until now, I could not fully comprehend, and much more try to explain! We have to ask the prince himself!

But for now, let me finish their story.

No one would let her in the palace. Many a marketplace has banned her from entering. Thus, she resides in dark places where no one would send her away. And that is where the prince must go in order to pursue her. She cannot meet him where he is! He must come to her. And so he did.

I think I saw a painting vaguely portraying how the prince left his palace and searched for her in the dingiest alley. Soiling his white robe and shiny hair, he came to woo her. You must be wondering now how our young lass must have felt.

To help you better understand and visualize, imagine you were her. How would you react? Would you say, "Crazy prince!" Or would you say "Yes" right away? But even if you say yes, how would you feel walking beside a man as noble as he? After you have been washed in royal bath and dressed in finest garments, do you think you would feel clean already?

But who would not fall in love with our prince? And fell in love she did. But after staring into his eyes for what seemed like her whole life flashing before her, she ran away.

She has soiled herself deeper than could ever be cleansed. She will never be worthy of the one she loves. Now she must face the rest of her life in regret and despair. She must run away from love though it has found her.

And this is the part where the piece of paper containing our story, had been ripped apart. The rest of the story, no one could find. But a journal was found somewhere and was thought to belong to our prince. An entry in the journal reveals to us a bit of what was in his mind:

I know that this will not be easy. I know that you might just run away. But today, as I leave my palace, I am certain that I am doing the one and only right thing. You are a princess yet you do not know it yet. I know your heart desires to be pure but life has entangled you in lies and curses. Inside I know you are fighting. Though outwardly your actions speak otherwise. I know you. And I am coming to restore what life has stripped away from you. I am ready to fight for that place in your heart. I will take over, if only you will say yes to me.

But first, I must give up what I have. I must lay down my crown and surrender my reputation. I will lose the love of men and women I dearly love. But this is the only way for you to be restored. No one else can restore you. But I can. If only you will believe. After I give up everything, I know I will still not be assured of your yes. Even then, I am willing to take the risk. Even if you say no, it gives me peace to know that I have done everything I can to give you even just a chance to say yes... a chance to find new life. I am risking everything just for a chance to bring you home.

A letter addressed to our young girl was found in her house. It was believed that she read it and suddenly ran away. No one knew where to. Half of us believe that she hated herself so much that she ran away from her prince and from redemption. While half of us believe that she ran straight to the river to meet her prince. This was what the letter said:

Come quick, come hither to the Psalmists River, fifty-one mountains away and seven days from today. And when you get there, say this prayer, "Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow." and you shall be made brand new. ~ Psalm 51:7

Christmas and our Foolish Hearts

"What fault did your fathers find in me,
that they strayed so far from me?
They followed worthless idols
and became worthless themselves." - Jeremiah 2:5

Jeremiah 2 starts with God recalling the devotion of Israel to Him. He described her as, "a bride you loved me and followed me through the desert, through a land not sown." Israel, for a time, loved God despite. It was not as if she only loved Him during a time of abundance. She had loved Him as He is. Even through the desert of dryness and hardship. But what is it about Israel that makes her often forsake the God of has forsaken much for her? Is there something wrong with God? How can the epitome of perfection, love and beauty deserve to lose the eyes of a nation little less worthy of His relentless affections?

I am like Israel and inasmuch as I run away from God many times, I also find myself cringing inside as I internalize this very question that grips the heart of my beloved Savior, "What fault did you find in me?" What fault is there in Him? Oh, what fault is there in my God that I had set him aside so many times... What response can I give to such a question? And what explanation can I give for such foolishness on my part?

And yes, our running away is not only a reflection of foolishness. It is a manifestation of blindness and pride:

"Has a nation ever changed its gods?
(Yet they are not gods at all.)
But my people have exchanged their [d] Glory
for worthless idols" - Jeremiah 2:11

Do we actually think the fulfillment our desires can be found in 'these'? And 'these' can range from the subtlest amoral hobbies to the most sinful addictions. Even the good things in life, we have tuned into gods, thinking we will find glory or fulfillment in them. Thinking we can create or re-create things or accomplishments that are more important that the God-Lover who destroys all our adversaries with a wave of his hand.

"What can I do with you... Your love is like the morning mist,
like the early dew that disappears." - Hosea 6:4

And this is us. And this is me, wavering in my love. "Who am I that You care to know my name?" the Psalmist would say. But my God is constant in His reply, "though you are unfaithful, Israel, I am faithful..."

And this must be, one of the endless reasons why we celebrate Emmanuel. "God with us," is "God with us despite." Despite my worst me and your worst you, He came. Because he wanted to have that chance to woo us, and perhaps turn our quickly disappearing love, into something that a miracle can. And miracles were exactly what Jesus did here on earth.

May you have your own special miracle(s) this Christmas!

Love you all. :)

Riz

kept awake

i'm having another one of those nights. the one with a strong sense that God still wants to speak, to say something to me. before i sleep. during such nights, i find it hard to sleep.

i had a full month last september. i believe the rest of the world did too. especially financial establishments. especially america. lately, it just gets harder to pause and really hear.

i've been having hectic days lately. but our hectic schedules doesn't lessen the fact that God wants to speak. thus i'm having another one of those days when i feel like God is slowing me down so i can catch up. catch up with what he has to say. without being interrupted - by the alarm clock ringing, or the car horn honking, or some people's nagging. it's almost 2am. it seems like i've had God wait for me for days. my heart is somewhere between lost and secure. God is faithful - this is the reason why i'm secure. I haven't been that faithful - the reason why i'm a bit lost.

i'm really sleepy. but my heart is awake. God wants to speak. God, help me listen.

overtaken

Ever opened a can or soda that has been previously shaken? After you snap open the metal lid, instantly carbonated drink foams out of the hole. it overflows unstoppably, soaking your hand and puddling the floor.

Perhaps such is the picture of kairos, all of a sudden, you hit the right button or step into the appointed day. The promises you’ve been pondering in your heart, with one wave of your hand, keeps on landing on your lap like waterfalls. After a long wait, and after you thought that patience will forever be a character that God will be training in you, you hear a knock, the door opens and wala, destiny sweeps you off your feet. In one flash, the cloudy view is transformed into a sky with a myriad of shooting stars. You never imagined it in your daydreams to be as good as this. Could this be kairos? If it is, then it most certainly worth the active waiting.

“I will stand at my watch
and station myself on the ramparts;
I will look to see what he will say to me...” ~ Habakkuk 2:1


(entry from september 3, 2008 during my 40-day "offline-from-multiply-facebook-ym season")

Wait.

A couple of months ago, during a time when I was continuously seeking God’s direction for my career, I had an impression that God was leading me to work as a freelance writer. There had been a series of events that led me to confirm this impression and so I started looking for freelance opportunities. To my disappointment, not a single door opened. There were false alarms though, possibilities that never materialized.

Months later, I got hired in my first freelance writing job. It was unlike other freelance jobs because as “freelance employees,” we were somewhat assured of a regular flow of projects. This came during a season when all my other prayers were also being answered. I must say, the timing was quite good since there were a lot of responsibilities and new things that had been given me during the past months and if this opportunity had come during those times, it would have been an unhealthy distraction from the more important things. I must mention that I have just started working in a part time job last month and it was just a few weeks into that part time job that the freelance opportunity came.

My first month in my part time stint is not without my usual adjustment stress (adjustment period for me usually lasts 2-3 months). Now that I am becoming more or less adjusted, I feel that soon I will be ready to start working freelance... and this is exactly the timing that God allowed. I am simply amazed at how he had time-lined everything so perfectly. My past months were spent seeking God, establishing a group of volunteer writers for our kp website, and traveling to JREV events abroad. It had been a fully packed season. And yeah, when we’re waiting for answers to prayers, sometimes we get pissed by the delay or lose faith that the fulfillment will ever come, not realizing that the reason for the delay is that the season is not yet ripe. It simply is not time. But God is not trying to deprive us of blessings! He’s simply planned out everything to transpire with precise and wise timing. And this was exactly what He did for me.

It was not until recently though that I realized that God’s word for me then was “wait.” It was not until I got the answer. It was a pleasant surprise though. And a lesson for me that during times when I’ve lost hope in the possibility of a desire in my heart being granted, God only eagerly waits for the right moment when He can finally give it to me, knowing that we He does, I will suddenly realize that He was also waiting for the right time all along. And He is heartily pleased to watch me pleasantly surprised.

dust, universe and love unrequited

the love he demonstrated could not be matched, not even by anything he would ever do; yet it has reaped only a love that had not even come close to how deep his affections are - a love that is it light years in distance from how far his love has gone. in this sense, i still see his love as unrequited.

yet his face is the epiphany of joy every time he gazes at her and her gestures, though they are too small to even be noticed by the universe. but woa! he is bigger than the universe; she is but a speck of dust. you must see how he gazes at her as if she were "the world" to him if he were but man. but then he is bigger than man and the universe. he is God.

his wedding day is near. but the waiting, i think could not be more joyous than painful. waiting is both pain and joy. it is tasting life one day at a time. it is rejoicing that time doesn't and will not stop until eternity comes to welcome the wedding of the Lamb.

is it foolishness to wait? ask him who 'til now is patiently gazing, at her who is still wearing her tattered rags. she is dark yet lovely. but until her wedding day, we have yet to understand a lover's wait's greatest reward.

---

if i may add, there is no one else who understands the pain of unrequited love better than God.

Tilted Balance

The struggle wouldn't end. I've been struggling with these wicked thoughts that keep coming back. i've already forgiven the person for the 'imagined' offense he has caused, have rejected the negative thoughts, repented of them, and asked God to renew my mind. But they keep on coming back. Every now and then, I still find myself desperately trying to scrub off the stain it splatters on my mind and heart. I found myself in a restless search for a spiritual 'bleach' that would magically clear the stain, one that would free me from this sense of filthiness and condemnation.

I've fallen into the pit of 'over-repentance,' which is a symptom of self condemnation and an evidence of failure to accept atonement through the blood of Jesus. "But the thoughts keep coming back!' I retorted to God. There still was definitely something wrong with my heart. God knew this. But He was taking his time in completing a process of exposing and purifying. In the mean time, He wants to see if I would see what I needed to see - that he loves me despite my not yet being at the finish line or despite my present struggle with sin. It is enough for Him that I have been sincerely repenting and submitting to His this ongoing process of heart pruning. Perfection is not a requirement for His forgiveness and for His perfect love. He loved me while I was still a sinner and he loves me even when I still am a sinner. Period.

"Dark am I yet lovely" and my Lover calls me, His "flawless one." (Song of Songs) Do we actually believe that the Shulammite in the Song of Solomon was perfect and flawless? But God sees us that way, perfect and flawless, dark yet lovely.

Our love affair with God is like a heavily tilted balance, with God's love on the sinking side. We could never match His' and if it ever crosses our mind that we could, remember what King Solomon said in his famous song: if one were to give all the wealth he has for love, it will be utterly scorned. Do not scorn God's love by trying to match it. Just love on Him the best way you can. And let him love you, the way He always does - relentlessly, and without any condition.

"Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." (Song of Songs 8:7)

jehova jireh

for the nth time, i was running out of time. i have to finish writing the story today meaning i should i should be editing anytime soon. but i still don't have a story... i've asked some friends to write their 'life story' but i can't really pressure them to submit in 24 hours. i was sick last weekend and lying in bed had taken most of my 'free' time this week. God, save me! (that prayer was also, for the nth time)

so yeah, let's just trust God but in my head, i was already worrying. this morning, we went for a nuga bed treatment at nugabest. in compliance to my mom's request/demand. she had been telling me to go there regularly. i said ok, let's go today.

i really have to make this quick so let's supercut this story short. lo and behold, i have been repeatedly asking God (d past hours and days) where i should get my story... and there i saw a friend. *flash of light* he's the one! *bwahahahaha!* his story is just perfect. so yes i ambush interviewed him. *bwahahahaha* he was working but he stopped what he was doing! *bwahahahaha* i didn't know it until my mom explained to me. (i can't believe i can be so naive sometimes... okay, most of the time.) and there ends my search for my story.

*...off to article writing mode*

i said, you said

a couple of days ago, i felt like i needed to join the GDOP in HK this sunday. i didn't really pray much about it earlier because i felt it's just not my season to travel and spend much since i don't have any stable source of income. but i realized that once again, i've bypassed God. (the other time was for the trip to azusa centennial celebration in the U.S.) so i asked God, kind of.

two weeks before the 'event,' i was still uncertain, but there was already a strong tug in my heart to go. then my friend meech (who was going and had a flight booked already) told me that i should really pray hard about it. she was going because she felt that God was going to impart something to her during there. we're both in the prayer ministry. suddenly, i realized, it was actually a more crucial decision that i thought.

see, not every option or choice we make may be that crucial. but there are times when something which we may not think is crucial, may actually have a major part in God's plan for our life. what meech said to me really struck me and amazingly, God led me to an article in elijahlist.com that night (or was it the morning after...?) that confirmed what meech was saying:

"Right now, there are mantles hovering over the Body of Christ, waiting to be released, and God is looking for those He can place them on. Some mantles will resemble things we have seen before, while others will empower people to do things that have never been done before...

...When the mantle fell from Elijah, Elisha had to bend down and pick up that mantle. When he did, the Spirit of the Lord came upon him. Elisha had to be in the right place at the right time. It required persistence, determination and faithfulness on his part, so he would be correctly positioned to receive the mantle when the time came for it to be released. The same is true for us. It does matter where you are and who you are hanging out with! Some visitations from the Lord require you being in a specific place at a specific time. It is crucial we are where God wants us to be." (IT'S A NEW SEASON OF MIRACLES AND GREATER GLORY, Matt Sorger)

whew... i had to go check the net for the lowest fares right away!

word

Your silence has a sound
louder than the voices underneath my chest
clearer than self-inflicted word-weapons
mightier than disapproval
stronger than rejection
more powerful than emptiness
it saves, it resurrects,
even a buried soul

sugar anyone?

some mistakes are downright funny they make us think twice whether committing mistakes is a good or bad thing. (hehe. exag ba ko?) well, i made another mistake last week and it's definitely not funny. i was attending a youth conference and it was almost over. we were just enjoying the last few minutes of lively worship when i spotted a friend and decided to ask him something. it was simple question that i asked but he couldn't seem to muster a reply... "kumuta fundraising raising for the thailand outreach?" he looked at me and nothing came out of his mouth. i repeated the question so many times over but still, he could not utter a word.

i decided to rephrase the question to make it easier to understand. besides, the music is so loud he could be having difficulty hearing me clearly... "are you going to thailand?" he nods and gives me another weird blank expression. the situation made me feel really weird because i knew that this person talks a lot. yeah, just ask him one question and he could go on and on in expounding on his answer. so i decided to walk away - from the weird and awkward "non-conversation."

minutes later i heard that he was brought to an adjacent room because his blood sugar dropped. they were looking for sugar or chocolate to help increase his sugar. he has diabetes. how could i have forgotten!? the thing was, he couldn't talk because he was already experiencing one of his attacks. i was shocked and struck guilty. darn it riz, how could you have been so insensitive?

sometimes situations happen and we don't really get 'em right? and then we're led to think that there must be something wrong with people or something wrong with us. in reality however, had we had more knowledge as to what is happening, things would have been clearer. but we are not always blessed to know. thus, we end up judging the circumstance incorrectly.

i thank God he was able to recover from the attack. at the same time, i told myself to make sure i learn from the experience. like learning to refuse to judge circumstances or people hastily. just like what happened, had i been a bit more sensitive and openminded, i could have been used to aid (or rescue) my friend who was then in need (or dying?).

so the next time a situation feels weird. don't depend on your own reasoning. consult God.

"...don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!"

Proverbs 3:5 ff. (The Message)

sugar anyone?

or perhaps, chocolate? ;-)

monday warfare

i prayed for a handful of people this morning. God has just been encouraging me much lately with things beginning to fall into place - and one of those things would be renewing a commitment to pray more intently for the people whom God has placed in my prayer list.

some doors have also opened up and i have been thanking God for the fresh opportunities he has unfolded for this season. however... the morning warfare was not without a cost. it always hurt deeper when the discouraging words come from someone close to you and who holds a position of authority in your life. and yes, expect them right after the warfare. what can i say, flying arrows come with the job of a warrior.

i must be warring my way through this day. i'm just wondering though, how many drops of tears i am allowed to shed? perhaps a few. perhaps none. it really depends. if i could just run over those words without shedding a tear and with a completely strong spirit. i am a daughter of the King. what could be more powerful?

my Jesus. i realize, it will be another week of excitement and challenge. now let me just victoriously dance my way through this first battle then i'll be well on my way.

grace, strength, joy, victory come. =)

connectivity

it was something like 5 years ago already since i submitted my social-anthropology paper about online chat. two things that still resonate in my head, two irresistible characteristics on online communication - anonymity and control.

anonymity releases you from the risk of criticism. or at least they can't say bad things "in your face." you can hide your reactions and carefully craft your responses. you're "free" to project an image that is closer to your 'ideal you.' or hide behind a photo of your preferred self.

control means you can just disappear anytime. stop chatting the moment you don't feel like it anymore. quit replying to a series of email conversations. or disappear form friendster or myspace altogether so the world wouldn't find you. only, you're hoping they'd miss you, somehow.

control means you can gradually come out of your shell. hopefully, you can soon step out of it.

i get online almost everyday. (it comes with my line of work as a web content officer.) i sometimes get messages in my friendster inbox from people i don't know (especially if my primary photo is pretty ;) ). of course i don't reply. (why "of course"? well that will be for another blog entry...) some of my strongest friendships were a result of online communication (chat & email). in fact, two of them even overtook "in person" friendships due to the frequency (regularity) and depth of our conversations.

could it be that the internet is not only a place to hide but also place to disclose oneself. somehow, for those who make themselves available to listen and to share their lives, friendships are inevitably formed. the absence of pressure releases a person to take his or her time and then in taking that time, he or she is able to share what he has to share...

but for many, seeking 'connection' has become an insatiable pursuit. no amount of connections satisfy because of a deep hunger "to be known."

hear me. see me. understand me. feel me. dig me? i am deep and fathomless, will you find me pleasing? i am all this and all that, will you find my company enjoyable? there is a sense of infinite possibilities, of unlimited personalities, and, perhaps one, just one, might perfectly fit the complicated angles of your chiseled soul. there is endless pursuit for REAL connection - whatever that is.

plug me in and electrify my life. we're looking for that power plug. whose holes are a perfect fit, like a keyhole and key combination. we know we're special, but the perfect fit has to qualify that. the internet, is the world, and it has to be there somewhere...

but, i dare say that such a connection cannot be found. at least not in someone mortal. here i go (again?) =)

i've found a connection worth stepping out of my shell for.

i write songs. i write poetry. i torture my guitar when i am deeply engrossed in expressing my heart. i bang on the keyboards. (haha.) i shout. i scream. i cry, puddles. all for Him. and then He sings back. love songs unheard of. WE CONNECT. ;) it is beyond earthly description.

i see a generation wanting to *connect* the kids and adults of this age are hungry for a perfect match. a synergistic fit. a consummation. it's the closest word i can think of. consummation... ever wondered why people run to drugs and sex? consummation. but it leaves them empty. run to the net. still it leaves you empty. because you will never be UNDERSTOOD by anyone COMPLETELY except for the one who created you INTRICATELY.

He loves me through song because it is the language closest to my heart. And He speaks all languages. and He will satisfy your hunger. and He will speak a language that's dear to you. even if you don't go online. ;)

(His name is Jesus.)

blurred

We have a line up of 5 articles per month and my deadline (once again) is fast approaching. In fact, the day of the deadline is 1 hour from now. Although, I still have 24 hours to upload the last article for the month of April. (Simply put, I have to upload all the articles before the end of the day tomorrow. And tomorrow happens to be an hour from now.)

But I have one inconvenience right now and it is making this editorial work extremely stressful. I broke my eyeglasses and I couldn't see the letters on this screen clearly. My eyes suffer from astigmatism and near sightedness - strange combination - which required my lenses to have a grade of + -.

See (and I wish I could do just that...), everything is blurred. I am straining my eyes to be able to read. The article I am editing has approximately 1500 blurry words and dozens of punctuation marks in the wrong places. I have to thank God though, that the authors know how to write. Despite the imperfect composition, the sentences happily go together and make a pretty testimony.

Tomorrow though, is Sunday. And I'd rather finish this work today. For my eyes' sake, perhaps you're wondering why I'm even writing this blog. Well, I had to tell someone. Everybody's asleep already. And it's just me and my blurry eyes down here. A sad combination for a time pressed evening.

beauty

Just seconds ago, this popular Christian song started playing in my head. Out of the blue. It just played. And the music started at the point where the lyrics say, "...beauty in the broken..." Boom. I know God has been wanting me to reflect on this topic for some time now. So, now I must.

Once again, I am in a season that drives me crazy with mixed emotions. These emotions may be categorized into two kinds - bad and good. The bad emotion is frustration. This season is frustrating because it surprises me with strong doses of truths that flashes their bright searchlights on my deceived psyche that has been comfortably hiding in the dark.

To be able to survive mere confrontations with these truths, there is undeniably a need for equally potent doses of grace. For when your worst enemy slaps you on the face with the reality of your imperfection and highly inaccurate self image, you will be tempted to run away into the cave of denial. But face, you must, these mirrors. Even if it means shrinking to the size of a microscopic cell. Besides, it would be nice to hide from eyes that might have been seeing these smudges on your face all these time.

When I said, "truths," I am referring to ugly truths about myself - my irritatingly dumb mistakes, my wicked thoughts and reactions, my embarassing selfish agendas, my foolish tendencies, my indulgence to sinful compromise ... (some of you are beginning to think that I'm exaggerating), my imperfections... Most importantly, I am referring to the very things I abhor only to find them right inside of me as well.
Thus, I hate this season because it makes me hate myself to the point of wanting to run away from truths about who I REALLY am.

The second emotion is indescribable. I am not sure if I am skilled to write something that would give it justice. It is a good emotion. It is disenchantment swept away by radiant hope. It is when all disgust for ones own filth and repulsive appearance is suddenly covered with love. Not just an 'accepting' filial love, but loving eyes of fire and a heart that is fueled by desire.

Who could gaze at such a sight (as me) and have eyes captivated and enflamed with passion when there is nothing to see but ashes? This love must be faith, hope and passion combined. It's faith is real. It holds in its very hands the handles of hope. It has lenses that see past what I see in the mirror. It sees beauty in ugliness.
Like I said, the second emotion is indescribable. It is also worth it all. The remorse and the pain I feel whenever my blinders come crumbling off my eyes, when brought before this Man of Love, are turned into gold. I bring Him nothing but ashes and filth but I come out loved for bringing nothing. I am desired and wooed for being no one.

I hate the feeling of remorse and disgust whenever I see my sins exposed before me - like innards of a mammal on a puddled dusty sidewalk. But the sight of his face! Complete forgiveness. Absolute love. It is beyond me to love myself in this state. It is precisely the magnificence of who He is that made Him choose me while still in this state.

The second emotion is beyond a writer's call to write because His love is impossible to describe. One thing though, it makes the first emotion worth it all. So let me be broken. Let me see - myself. And my JC, eyes on me.

new song

a song is being sung. but a different song is playing in your heart. it has never been sung before and it sounds too out of this world. it is reckless. it is out of control. it is full of emotions. it bears the risk of displeased scrutiny. but it bears your voice, your heart.

will you stay silent?

or have you come to the point wherein pursuit of Him has become a relentless cause? worth the shame. worth the glares. worth the loss of reputation. worth it all.

"i will be more undignified than this..." - King David

home alone (part two): pursuit of God

am i addicted to silence and privacy? well, living with my parents in an apartment with no 'rooms' (only a loft) and where we can practically hear each other regardless of which corner of the house we're in (except then you're inside the bathroom with door closed - which makes the sound a bit garbled...), such a longing for times of solitude definitely becomes frustrating at times. imagine being heard by everyone inside the house whenever you sniff, or worse yet, whenever you cry.

so how do i worship? well, i do it at the expense of everybody else's peace. (haha) more often than not, my mom's... ('cause by dad's at the office almost 24-7. sigh. talk about dedication to work...!)

my 'time alone' is not exactly 'time alone....' when my mom is having her time with the tube, i plug in ear phones and pop up the ipod volume. when i need to scream, i plunge my face against a pillow and hope nobody hears. when i sing out of tune, i have to trust that no matter what, i am loved for who i am...

i've been asking God to give me my own room but the answer is tarrying quite a bit. but i believe that it's for a good reason.

for like 3 years now, God has been chipping away common misconceptions about pursuing Him. one valuable lesson i've learned: if you really desire God, you will pursue him NO MATTER WHAT. even if it means an extended 'semi-quiet' time because the background sounds just makes it difficult for you to focus on His voice.

Undignified worship takes new meaning. it becomes the ONLY way to worship. losing dignity has become a door that must be entered before meeting the Savior. it has become a daily choice that one has to make. the daily discomforts exposed all kinds of lukewarness and mediocrity in loving God.

i used to think this will be some sort of 'uncomfortable' season that soon will end. but now, reflecting on it, what God seems to be saying is, should your worship to me look different just because the circumstance is different?

behind closed doors is nice. and it's what i'm enjoying now while 'home alone' in my tita's apartment. but the ultimate test or PURSUIT is when daily life makes it simply inconvenient. it tests your promises. and it really brings out in the open - if there's really fire in you.

let's pursue him. no matter what. (not just figuratively, but literally.)

MR. MOTORCYCLE

oasis in the wilderness. that's how i'd describe these events in my life. (only here, i'm only telling about one. the rest will follow soon.) haha. actually they're more like instances. and they've kept my faith alive. they've served as powerful reminders from God, that he hasn't forgotten me --- in this wilderness.

MR. MOTORCYCLE

'Is my hearing fine?' this has been my most "gasgas" question of the season. then one day i was rushing to makati for a job interview. i prayed as i was on commuter FX. i stirred up my faith and spoke to God, telling him that i trust that he'd take me there on time. i knew that he could work miracles and if need be, he would work one for me today. i wondered how it's possible to get there on time given the horrendous traffic i'm stuck in. trying to be creative (like God), i thought maybe, a motorcycle ride would be one possible solution.

i get off the vehicle and start hailing a taxi cab... then out of the corner of my eye, i noticed a motorcycle slow down... it stops right in front of me. 'Miss, where are you headed to?' the driver asks... i can give you a ride. you might get late for your appointment..."

God, you must be crazy.

i gracefully declined. But God, you're just darn too hilarious.

i was laughing out loud in the inside.

by the way, i made it to my job interview on time.

---

more stories to follow...

prostar

downcast look, blank stare, and puffy eyes. emo (tional), deep (in thought), angst-stricken. the look of hope refused by a hardened heart. (for hope is known to those who've heard and she has heard.) she has every right to lose it (or lose herself?). to wallow in darkness until she has groaned in pain. something that still, she could not. or does she?

her soul says freedom of expression. the spirit spells it as hardheartedness.

"arise of sleeper and rise from the dead. and Christ will shine on you."

shine. this darkness is your night sky and God is waiting for His firechild to appear in the night.

so begin, you must. by picking up the pieces. and searching in the darkest corners for the hidden words and light.

faith is beautiful. lift yourself up downcast eyes.