The struggle wouldn't end. I've been struggling with these wicked thoughts that keep coming back. i've already forgiven the person for the 'imagined' offense he has caused, have rejected the negative thoughts, repented of them, and asked God to renew my mind. But they keep on coming back. Every now and then, I still find myself desperately trying to scrub off the stain it splatters on my mind and heart. I found myself in a restless search for a spiritual 'bleach' that would magically clear the stain, one that would free me from this sense of filthiness and condemnation.
I've fallen into the pit of 'over-repentance,' which is a symptom of self condemnation and an evidence of failure to accept atonement through the blood of Jesus. "But the thoughts keep coming back!' I retorted to God. There still was definitely something wrong with my heart. God knew this. But He was taking his time in completing a process of exposing and purifying. In the mean time, He wants to see if I would see what I needed to see - that he loves me despite my not yet being at the finish line or despite my present struggle with sin. It is enough for Him that I have been sincerely repenting and submitting to His this ongoing process of heart pruning. Perfection is not a requirement for His forgiveness and for His perfect love. He loved me while I was still a sinner and he loves me even when I still am a sinner. Period.
"Dark am I yet lovely" and my Lover calls me, His "flawless one." (Song of Songs) Do we actually believe that the Shulammite in the Song of Solomon was perfect and flawless? But God sees us that way, perfect and flawless, dark yet lovely.
Our love affair with God is like a heavily tilted balance, with God's love on the sinking side. We could never match His' and if it ever crosses our mind that we could, remember what King Solomon said in his famous song: if one were to give all the wealth he has for love, it will be utterly scorned. Do not scorn God's love by trying to match it. Just love on Him the best way you can. And let him love you, the way He always does - relentlessly, and without any condition.
"Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." (Song of Songs 8:7)
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