monday

i am grateful to have started the day right with extended time with God. we had a pretty long conversation... it had to be long considering i was in "tampo" mode since the other day. never mind why, but let me just say it was really tough letting go of my disappointment. i got REALLY disappointed. i felt stuck in a helpless situation and i felt left alone by God on purpose. i knew we had to settle it before the matter gets worse, and so we did. so my heart was crushed. it is extremely difficult to trust when you can't see or feel a single hint of assurance. when everything turned out the opposite of how you expected it to turn out. but even so, one has to trust that it is for ones good. despite the fear. despite the hurt. and only love can take one through such a valley of fear and disappointment.

i had been asking God for faith, but it seems to be taking some time before i sense its benefits finally made complete in me... so i wrestled for it. but as i wrestled i only felt more disappointed. i hated God for not giving in to my conditions. God! this was not what i expected.

then all of a sudden he reminded me of a promise i made. to love Him. in the craziness of things, it seems i have suddenly forgotten that this was where it all started. in love. 'would you love me even if you could not understand? would you love me even if you feel i do not understand?' i realized that i had easily given up on love. as soon as the clouds appeared, as soon as the skies darkened, my love had turned cold. my heart was tested and it's limits didn't seem too difficult to reach. after singing my love songs that vowed to love him through the pains of life.

now i'm learning to tread gently on grace-showered paths. i realize, only love can conquer roads like these. if faith can live by itself and not by sight. then love must be able to live and survive even without everything else. for what else can conquer death except love?

i remember what the apostle Paul said about faith, hope and love... love being the greatest among the three. at the end of the day, love saved us all.