servant to lover

what happens after "kilig" moments? the days or months when we couldn't agree with God more and we do love the things He is telling us? what happens after the morning dew has disappeared and we are left with ourselves, God's word and God Himself?

the servant in us would say, "i will still follow. i will still obey." but how far would sheer will take us? the answer is,  not very far. soon we realize that our flesh and soul are crying out for some kind of reward. on our own, we cannot really love and obey God could we? our most zealous moments, we come to realize, are actually fruits of the grace of God, manifestations of His love bubbling from inside us. it was not really "us" who were zealous, but God's Spirit that resides in us. but upon entering our valley, we come face to face with our selfish ambitions, our weakness, our stubbornness… yes, we still love God, but we must soon realize that we cannot really love God 'on our own.' we cannot really boast of our capacity to love Him! because even that capacity comes from him. so when the mountain peak begins to slope downward to lead us into the valley, we must remember to CLING to Him more tightly than ever.

we must let go of our "capacities" because they will eventually fail us. cause me not to be found clinging to my own perseverance and relentlessness! for even if i become the most enduring and passionate follower of His, my endurance and passion will both find their end somewhere. the sooner i let go of my pride and self-sufficiency, the sooner will i be able to love you more steadfastly. it is all grace. i cannot love you now, nor obey the hard things you have instructed unless you enable me. enable me,,, no, not 'push' or 'add to my strength' or 'assist' me. you have to en-able me. because apart from you, i can do nothing, not something or a bit, but nothing.

and ultimately, this is what enables me: "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.' (hosea 2:16)

when i have ceased trying, after i have seen your eyes, they bring me to the place of simply loving. this is the grace of obedience. apart from your graces, i find it impossible to love unto obedience. so God, be my husband. let my obedience be un-boastful or proud, let it be broken and impassioned by your eyes of blazing fire.